Jack the Giant Slayer Review

I had absolutely no interest in seeing “Jack The Giant Slayer”, primarily because it didn’t look very interesting. I went to see it because my nephew asked me to go with him, which made me think about the film in an entirely different way. His desire to see the movie after seeing commercials for it on Nickelodeon made me wonder, is this film made in mind for young audiences or adults? To be honest, after seeing the movie I still don’t have an answer to that question, which is both a good thing and a bad thing.

The Story

            The story is pretty cut and dry considering it’s just a dark re-imagining of the classic fairy tale “Jack And The Beanstalk”. The movie starts out with a young boy (Jack) who is told an old wise tale by his father. A tale about giants who use to rule the land and feast on human beings as they traveled down to our world from theirs, using giant beanstalks that touched the skies as a way down. However a group of townspeople fight back and are able to defeat one of the giants. They then cut out its heart and use magic to forge it into a crown. A man named Eric places the crown on his head, and when he does so the giants must obey his every command. Eric orders the giants back to their world in the skies and demands all beanstalks be cut down, turning the giants home into a prison. Eventually Eric dies of old age as a king and the seeds from the Beanstalks along with his magic crown are buried with him, and as the decades pass the story becomes legend, but the giants swear one day they’ll find a way back to our world with an army to feast on Eric’s kin.

            After the opening story the film fast-forwards ten years to when Jack is a Teenager. From then on in the core story will start to feel familiar. A princess that needs to be rescued from the top of a giant beanstalk, a farm boy (Jack) who must save her and prove he’s better than all the kings knights, giant man eating monsters that need to to be slain along the way. However the film adds enough good side characters that allow the plot to not so much twist but more so turn just enough to keep the audience’s attention. In other words you’ll see a lot of what’s coming from a mile away but there’s enough story and adventure in that mile to make the trip seem okay.

 

The Writing

            Believe it or not the writing is probably the films strongest attribute. At no point does the story try to convince you that the movie takes place in anything other than a world of pure fantasy. Its only flaw is overall predictability but it’s something that can be quickly forgiven considering the amount of great conflict the characters are given. The films final scene is also a clever nod that makes the story very well rounded and script feel pretty solid for a fantasy adventure

The Acting

            The movie actually has a very good cast with names like Ian McShane and Ewan McGregor, but nobody really shines in any of their performances. It almost feels like everyone is having such a fun time making the movie that their character never seems to far from happy no matter what situation they're in. Nicholas Hoult and Eleanor Tomlinson aren’t bad as the leads, creating good chemistry, in-fact Tomlinsons performance as the gutsy princess in distress is probably the best performance of the film.

The Directing

            Bryan Singer is usually a great director but he unfortunately misses a few notes on this one. The opening fairy tale is told through a very weird form of CGI cartoons that doesn’t really fit the movie at all. He fortunately choose a slightly better type of CGI to film just about any shot that requires an effect for the rest of the movie, which makes the film feel cheesy and a bit lazy at times. He also failed to really create a cool world for the giants to live in. Their world was really nothing more than some trees and some lakes, which is kind of disappointing considering the film builds up suspense to its unveiling.

Overall

            This was either a very cool and dark fantasy adventure for kids, or an unnecessary but mildly entertaining film for adults. It’s a good film to watch for the whole family because the kids will love the pace and the action while adults can still appreciate the scope of the story and the popcorn value it holds. However some kids may find it a little too scary when some characters literally get eaten alive (although it always quickly cuts off screen and we never really get to see it). In the end I’d have to say it’s a movie that I can’t see anybody completely hating unless they’re a stickler for only reality based films, but overall there’s nothing really too special to see either as the film basically feels like a poor man’s “Stardust”.

6.5 out of 10

Written By Tom Balko

Top 7 Best Worst Movies

If you're anything like me or Tommy, you love watching bad films. The best ones, of course, are the ones that are so terribly awful, they're funny and entertaining. This is what we call 'so bad they're good' movies, and here are my top 7 recommendations for the best worst movies.

7. NightBeast

1982's NightBeast brought us an intergalactic warrior with a taste for human flesh, and it's oh so wonderfully horrible. Watching an alien that looks like a mix between an ape, a human and a reptile (mostly ape) go on a blood soaked rampage in a small town is a damn good time. The acting is bad, the gore is cheesy and the creature just looks silly, and you'll love every minute of it. It's an hour and a half of gory, monkey alien chaos. If you have the opportunity, give this a watch.






6. The Star Wars Holiday Special

Every time someone plays this, a single tear falls from George Lucas' eye. Yes my friends, this exists, and it's real. The Star Wars Holiday special premiered on television for the first (and last) time in 1978, just one year after 'A New Hope', and George Lucas can't stand it, so much so, he not only stopped its showings on tv, but made sure it was never formally released on video. Still, bootlegs of it have been circulating for years, and Lucas has been quoted saying, "If I had the time, and a sledgehammer, I would track down every bootlegged copy of that program and smash it." I got a chance to sit down and watch it, and it's so horrible it almost taints the good Star Wars name, but it's a great watch. A majority of the film takes place with Chewies' wife and son, who only speak shryriiwook (for the non-nerds out there, that's the wookie language)-without subtitles. Witness the return of the original cast (plus, the real first appearance of Boba Fett), as you watch a Star Wars movie that has nothing to do with Star Wars, an awful soundtrack, wookie dialogue and multiple musical numbers. If you can get your hands on this masterpiece of crap, do so, it'll be worth watching.

5. Batman and Robin

Here's one I'm sure most of us have seen. Batman and Robin premiered in 1997 to overwhelmingly negative reviews, and till this day it still holds up it's entertainment value. With a whole boatload of lame one-liners, silly bat gadgets, a ridiculous looking, neon lit Gotham  City, laughable henchmen, and of course, bat nipples, Batman and Robin proves to be on the list of must see best worst movies, being so hilariously bad, you won't dare take your eyes off the screen. What really makes this one is the cast. We have Schwarzenegger himself (the only one who seems to have known how ridiculous this movie was) as Mr. Freeze, Uma Thurman as the over the top Poisen Ivy, and best of all, George Clooney as the worst Batman ever. That's right, Clooney's Batman makes Adam West's Batman seem Oscar worthy. All in all, while children will genuinely love it, adults will love to hate it. Batman and Robin is definitely something to see, if you haven't already.

4. Flash Gordon

One of the more famous bad movies, Flash Gordon has been entertaining bad movie audiences for decades. The evil Emperor Ming, ruler of the planet Mongo, wants to destroy the earth, and it's up to Flash Gordon, a NY Jets quarterback to travel to Mongo and save every one of us. This one is wonderfully cheesy, poorly acted, and terribly choreographed, and that's obviously what we love about it. There isn't a single thing done right here, and it's fantastic. There is really nothing better (or should I say, worse?) than 80's cheese. This one is a cult classic, that has been brought back to recent fame in the hit comedy 'Ted'. If you get the chance, see it.







3. Plan 9 From Outer Space

The original so bad it's good film, Plan 9 is a cult classic, and is considered to be, arguably the worst movie ever made. Directed by the infamously terrible Ed Wood Jr, Plan 9 is filled with horrible quality everything. We have bad acting, we have scenes that switch from night to day, and back to night through conversation, we have tombstones that fall over, and a story that makes no sense at all. This also happens to be Bela Lugosi's last film, and he's only in the first scene, because he died soon after filming that one scene. So to compensate, Ed Wood replaced him with his chiropractor, because he had similar features on the top half of his face, so for the rest of the movie he has the bottom half of his face covered with a cape (true story). If you can find it, witness what people have hated for over 60 years, watch Plan 9 From Outer Space, it's a real treat.




2. Troll 2
What some would call the mother of all bad movies, Troll 2 literally does not do a single thing well, and that's what makes it so great. Never has there been a film that tried so hard to be good, but fails on every level. Now, you may ask yourself, "Do I need to see the first Troll to see this one," and the answer is no, and I'll tell you why. The original title of Troll 2 was Goblin, but producers found the film to be so awful, they found a tiny (and I mean tiny) resemblance to the movie 'Troll', so they renamed it Troll 2 to try to garner some success from the original 'Troll'. Troll 2 has a massive cult following, and for good reason. It's entirely entertaining, something you can watch over and over. The best part is, it's on Netflix, so whenever you have time, give Troll 2 a watch, you won't regret it.





1. Cool As Ice

Yup yup, it's number 1. Cool As Ice has been virtually unseen by anyone with good taste, and hopefully that will change. This is the creme de la creme of bad movies, being so entertaining, you'll find yourself showing it to everyone you know. This is a movie so fresh you can't handle it. When a good girls brother gets kidnapped, it's up to bad boy Vanilla Ice himself, along with his motorcycle, to save the day, and it's glorious. If there's anything this movie proves, it's that Vanilla Ice is fresh, so fresh he can jump a motorcycle over a fence without any sort of elevation, he can fight 5 guys at once and win without getting hit, and he can rap and dance anywhere at any time and people will just watch in awe of his freshness. Vanilla Ice puts on a performance so fresh and hip, you can't comprehend it in one viewing. This is a total must see. If you get the chance to see this, do so immediately, and maybe, just maybe, Vanilla Ice can teach you how to be as cool as ice (you see what I did there?).

5 Movies in 2012 That You Didn't See, But Should Have

Many films were released in 2012, and most of them that made money weren't too good (Prometheus, Snow White and the Huntsman, The Devil Inside, to name a few). There were more than a few, however, that were good and not only made barely any money, but were barely seen by anyone. To keep it short and sweet, here's a list of 5 films that you most likely missed out on in 2012, and should make an effort to see.

5. Silent Night

Silent Night is a straight to dvd remake of the 1984 slasher hit, 'Silent Night, Deadly Night', which is precisely why you haven't seen it, but here's the thing :It's pretty darn good. Paying homage to 80's slasher flicks, as well as bringing the slasher genre back with a vengeance, Silent Night is a campy, fun Slasher story that has little to do with the original, but is such a good time even fans won't mind. The story's decent, the killer looks awesome, and most of all, the kills are sensational. Everything about this screams gimmick and formula, and while it is a bit formula, it still works and more so, entertains. If you're ever looking for a fun, mindless popcorn flick to watch during a rainy day or a snowstorm, I'd suggest you give this one a chance. 

4. Moonrise Kingdom

Here's one that, being as good as it is, barely got a theatrical release. While it did get some attention, Moonrise Kingdom virtually went unseen by most, and that's unfortunate. This is an all around great film, with a great story, a great cast, and absolutely exceptional writing. Wes Anderson gives a story about young love trying so desperately to stay alive, they go to unimaginable (for their age) lengths to stay together. It's entirely entertaining (not too mention, it has one of my personal favorite performances from Edward Norton), and it's definitely something you should keep your eye out for. 

3. The Cabin in The Woods

Here's one that really got the shaft from audiences. Barely making a profit, The Cabin in the Woods is one of the best of 2012, being so unique, entertaining, and funny, it's practically a must see. I'd go through plot details, but as you'll see in my review for it, the less you know going into it, the better. It's a big tribute, and more so love letter, to the horror genre, being one of the better horror comedies that you'll have seen. If you haven't seen The Cabin in the Woods, as soon as you get the chance, watch it. 

2. ParaNorman

I don't understand how an animated film this good gets completely overlooked by everyone. ParaNorman is one of the best animated movies of 2012, but you probably wouldn't know that, considering it didn't make a profit, in fact, it didn't break even. ParaNorman is a zombie movie for kids that tells the story of a young boy who can speak to ghosts, that accidentally awakens the dead. What ensues is a heartwarming, hilarious adventure that will spark the interest of kids and adults alike. If you're looking for a good movie to watch with your kids, or your little brother or sister (or any young relative ), or even by yourself, ParaNorman is definitely one to see. 

1. The Grey

Joe Carnahan gives us his best effort yet. Being so well directed, well written, well acted and all around well executed, I'm really surprised this didn't receive more attention. While it did have a decent opening weekend, The Grey wasn't the success it should have been. When a plane crashes in the middle of a huge snowstorm in Alaska, a team of oil drillers must fight to survive a pack of wolves hunting them, as well as nature itself. Sure, the wolves are a bit Hollywood-ized, but they serve more so as a metaphor. The story here is heartbreaking, and so well done and captivating, you won't be able to turn away from the screen. I seriously suggest you watch The Grey, it's much more than a film about Liam Neeson fighting wolves, it's a man vs nature story so powerfully told, you might even be impacted emotionally by its conclusion. Simply put, The Grey is a must see. 

Michael Arndt, JJ Abrams, and the Future of Star Wars

In the near future, many of us will be sitting in front of the big screen awaiting to watch a long anticipated film that we will either love, or hate. That movie, my friends, will be Star Wars Episode 7. Whether or not this movie will be any good, however, is a different story. After searching for quite a bit, Disney has decided to put the fate of the franchise in the hands of writer Michael Arndt (Toy Story 3, Little Miss Sunshine) and director JJ Abrams (Mission Impossible III, Star Trek). While Arndt has proven to be a strong candidate for the job (holding an academy award for Little Miss Sunshine), Abrams has really only given us one great film in his career (The excellent Star Trek reboot, which if you haven't seen, I'd suggest you do so).

The big question here is, will Abrams and Arndt do Star Wars justice? While they're both great candidates to do the job right, both certainly have reasons for why it could go sour, and here's why.

The Good:

Michael Arndt literally has not written a bad film yet, and his career is at a glistening start. 'Little Miss Sunshine' (which he won the Oscar for) is a wonderful film that is beyond well written, and it was his very first screenplay turned feature, which is pretty impressive. As a follow up, Arndt wrote 'Toy Story 3', which he was also praised, and nominated for. As most of us know, 'Toy Story 3' is arguably the best of the three 'Toy Story' films, taking the emotional aspect and turning it up to 11, especially in comparison to the other two films, it will have you practically in tears. With two big hits already in the bag, Arndts' upcoming film 'Oblivion' certainly seems like it could be promising (and will also show us his capability in writing a sci-fi action film). Not too mention, Arndt's is on record stating he is a huge Star Wars fan, so much so that he has already submitted treatments for episodes 8 and 9, and that's always a plus. This is a man with no bad efforts whatsoever (so far), and I think that's a big reason to get behind his ideas, and script.

 Now let's look at Abrams. While his writing efforts are decent, as are most of his directing efforts, he did direct 'Mission: Impossible 3', which put the franchise back on its feet, and is arguably the best one of the four. Above all, the number one reason anybody can get excited for Abrams being on board is the obvious, he directed the 2009 'Star Trek', and that's a pretty big deal. His reboot of that franchise shook the whole Trekkie community, as well as audiences outside of that realm. It not only relaunched an arguably dead franchise, but took it in a direction no one thought it could go, and most of all, he made it work, and work well. After all, Abrams, at heart, is a fanboy, and his love for 'Star Trek' gave him the ability to make the best 'Star Trek' film ever. With his sequel, 'Star Trek Into Darkness' being released this summer, Abrams will be able to focus all of his time and effort into the Star Wars universe, of which he is a huge fan as well. I, for one, am damn excited that Abrams has attached himself to this, especially after seeing where he took 'Star Trek', imagine what he could do with Star Wars.
The Bad:

Sure, Michael Arndt hasn't written anything bad (with the exception of a few 'Brave' rewrites), but he has only made 2 films, both of which have nothing to do with science fiction or adventure in the slightest. In this case, audiences really will be depending on the outcome of his upcoming film 'Oblivion' to really determine whether or not episode 7 is in good hands.
Let's talk about 'Oblivion' for a moment. The story seems interesting enough, however, the full length trailer doesn't really come off as an exciting science fiction film, or should I say, one to be excited about. While I will see it, considering it's Arndts' first attempt at something other than the drama genre, had it been written by anyone else, 'Oblivion' would have been on my skip list.  Not that I always judge a book by its cover, I'm just careful what I pay to see nowadays. Once it's released, it will be the defining answer of whether or not Episode 7 has truly been put in the best hands possible.

JJ Abrams did make 'Star Trek', and that's all cake and ice cream, but let's look at the rest of his career. The only other good movie he made was 'Mission: Impossible 3', and while that is a pretty good flick, it's nowhere near the caliber film we want episode 7 to be. Then there's the other films JJ's put his name on. He produced 'Cloverfield', which isn't bad, but it certainly isn't great. In 2011, he did 'Super 8', which, in my humble opinion, wasn't any good. The first half is decent while the second half completely ruins anything the movie had going for it (which, let's face it, was only that awesome train crash). I mean, it's certainly not terrible, but it's also not a prime example of good (or even decent) science fiction.
Then we have the really bad, super terrible 'Armageddon', which Abrams wrote himself, with Michael Bay directing. I'm sure a lot of us have seen 'Armageddon', and we all know how big, dumb, loud and obnoxious it is (dumb being the keyword there). I understand it's just a movie, but it has no concept of reality, and especially no brains whatsoever (but hey, what can you expect from Michael Bay). Still, the fact that Abrams wrote that piece of garbage worries me a little. In any case, he could have been under studio pressure and blah blah, but that still doesn't excuse it. Hopefully, as 'Star Trek' has shown us, Abrams' fanboy passion and career maturity will be enough to make Episode 7 the film we all want it to be.

Whatever the case may be, we all, in the bottom of our hearts, hope that Star Wars Episode 7 will be the great movie we want it to be. Will it be as good as 'The Empire Strikes Back'? Probably not, but maybe as good as 'Return of the Jedi', that'd be nice. Let's just hope Disney is the right home for Star Wars (I mean after all, they did a great job with 'The Avengers'), and that Arndt and Abrams will give us the Star Wars movie we've all been waiting 30 years for.

Why Rob Zombie Fails As a Film Maker

Some say this man has made some decent, even good movies, I, however, say nay. Rob Zombies' flicks are nothing but redneck, gutter trash that are so filthy, you feel the need to bathe after you watch them. While his directing is good, it means nothing when he refuses to let someone else take control of the pen. Some call this his style, I call it his desperate attempt at being different, and it only contributes the garbage mainstream cinema puts out on a monthly basis. How anyone could have any appreciation for the filth this man writes is beyond my comprehension, and here is why. 

His Dialogue is Beyond Any Insults

I'm sorry, did I accidentally call it dialogue? I suppose you could call it that, if an example of dialogue could come from an episode of Jerry Springer, which in comparison is better written. Zombie's dialogue consists of forced, constant swearing, floppy body parts, sex with animals, drugs, more sex with animals, and disgusting, trashy people yelling at each other. A 4 year old could write better conversations than him. There's nothing even remotely artistic about anything that's said in any film he has done. It's honestly pathetic when you really think about it. I mean, one or two films like that, fine, but when you turn 'Halloween' into a redneck trashfest, than it becomes something of a problem.

Now, 'Halloween II' is somewhat of an exception, there is very little trashy dialogue in it, but the movie is still a piece of garbage, which goes to show even further that Zombie should avoid writing his films. Even when he isn't deliberately writing bad dialogue, the dialogue he's trying to write more seriously isn't good either. I'm not saying the man has no talent, but not in the writing department.

Good Directing Can't Save Terrible Writing

While his writing is crap to say the least, Zombies directing is actually good, damn good. All of his films thus far (with the exception of the yet to be released 'Lords of Salem', which I will eventually see) are well directed, and have awesome soundtracks, and good use of those soundtracks. This, however, doesn't really mean much when Rob refuses to let someone else write out his ideas. His directorial style is starting to become polished, and is really the highlight of any of his films, but his writing is so bad, it doesn't matter how good his directing is. Good writing can save bad directing (The Bourne Supremacy/Ultimatum anyone?), but that surely doesn't work the other way around. No matter how visually appealing something is, or how well directed, if the writing aspect is poor, the reaction will be poor. Is it that Rob thinks he's some kind of great writer? Maybe he thinks he's too good to direct someone else's screenplay. Whatever the case may be, his movies will never be anything more than forgettable at best if he doesn't come around and at the very least collaborate with someone else on his films.

Everything He Does is Unoriginal

I can't name a single thing Rob has done that can not, in any way, be considered a rip off of something else. His first feature film, 'House of 1,000 Corpses' is a great example of this.

A few college aged kids get mislead by a hitchhiker, and wind up at a strange house dealing with a family of psychopaths.

Now, did I just describe the plot of 'House of 1,000 Corpses' or 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'? I'll give you a hint-Both. Some would call it a 'tribute', but paying something a tribute isn't ripping of its exact plot (poorly, might I add). Further more, let's look at the over rated 'Devils Rejects'. The plot consists of the same murderous family being hunted by one specific cop seeking revenge, sounds a bit like 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2' doesn't it? Now, by no means am I saying 'The Devils Rejects' is a direct rip off of TCM2, but it is similar, and is virtually the same trashy crap as 'House of 1,000 Corpses', with a different feel. Shall we move on to his Halloween films? While his first 'Halloween' remake was not terrible, it wasn't that good. It has unneeded development of Michael Myers as child, then when it finally gets to the remake part, it's rushed through entirely, and just comes off as dumb. Let's not also forget that he just had to turn the story of Michael Myers into a stereotypical redneck, abused child story (Michael Myers' mom is a stripper in Zombies' version, big surprise there), along with turning it into his typical vulgar, redneck trash dialogue. Don't even get me started on 'Halloween II'. That is a film that words can't begin to describe the severity of its awfulness (See My Worst Movies list). All I do know is that he tried ever so desperately to be original with the sequel, and while it is original, it's pure, utter garbage, doing everything it could to disenchant 'Halloween' fans everywhere (Michael Myers has a beard, a big beard), yet again showing that when he attempts to do something different, it's still terrible.
Like I mentioned before, I have yet to see his newest film 'Lords of Salem', and I will give it a chance, but I'm honestly not expecting much.

He Puts His Wife In Everything

This might not be an issue if Sheri Moon Zombie wasn't such a terrible actress, but she is. Even when it was totally unnecessary for her character from his first 'Halloween' to return, he found a way (a terrible, terrible way) to bring her back, which was one of the major reasons why H2 is so awful. He's worse than Judd Apatow and Tim Burton with this. Nobody cares about your wife Rob. We get it, she's decent looking and you love showing us her topless, but her acting is so bad, she ruins anything that could be a serious moment. If she needs a job showing off her body, let her fulfill her destiny and be a real stripper, we don't need to watch her poor excuse for acting in every movie you make, and she can only work as eye candy for so long.


I'd really like to see Rob Zombie make something of himself as a director, but in the process of doing so, he's going to have to ditch his writing efforts. and his wife(and maybe stop naming his movies after his own songs, it's not as cool as he thinks it is). Rob must grow up, and start taking his new found career more seriously than a bunch of dirty people cursing and talking about sex with animals. It's silly, and gives modern horror a bad name.